Scary things to do in London

The days are darker and colder. The nights are longer. The leaves are gathering in the streets. Autumn has arrived. The bright world of capitalism is keen to sell Christmas to everybody. Still, I refuse to be robbed of a dark Halloween and the accompanying fancy dress parties, horror film nights and lurking in London’s Victorian cemeteries.

I won’t offer you a regurgitated version of “scary things to do in London” that, quite frankly, do not scare my goth soul a bit. I do recommend lurking in one (or several) of London’s Magnificent Seven – the city’s Victorian cemeteries, as now is the time to do so – autumn has long been known as the time when the veil between the worlds is thinnest…

Instead, I offer you a selection of genuinely scary things to do in London…

London Month of the Dead

A good excuse to hang out in old cemeteries is the London Month of the Dead, a series of events, talks and even a sèance taking place in London cemeteries and other eerie places during October. Tickets are still available for the likes of Buried Alive: The Horror of Premature Internment at Brompton Cemetery, or The Weary Death: An Evening of Silent Horror with Live Music Accompaniment at Guys Hospital Chapel.

Visit a pub with a Satanic past

Turner’s Old Star in Wapping is an old-school, no frills and no-fuss boozer (fast becoming an endangered species in London, barring the tourist-trap pubs in Central). There’s quite a bit of history associated with Turner’s Old Star but the piece of history I’m concerned with is it’s a site of witchcraft – not the crystal-in-bra-wearing- and Palo Santo-burning witchcraft but blood magic witchcraft, or as I like to call it, metal witchcraft.

In 1658, Turner’s Old Star is where Lydia Rogers formed a pact with the Devil by allowing him to draw blood from her hand. She later confessed her crimes to a minister.

The pub is old, really old. And anywhere there’s been magic worked – let alone invoking and evoking the Devil to make a pact – that kind of energy sticks around for a long time. Pay a visit on a cold October night and scry in a pint, calling on the name of Lydia Rogers, and look for shadows seen from the corner of your vision or wait for a pint glass to shatter on its own...

Wapping, E1W | turnersoldstar.co.uk

Stand roadside on the pavement with your phone in your hand

Like a horror film with jumpscares that take place in broad daylight, having your phone snatched can happen any time of day. London’s phone-snatching activity, however, often befalls unfortunates standing too close to the road, phones snatched straight from their hands by masked cyclists.

If you want to tempt fate – dance with the Devil and all that – keep a loose grip on your phone whilst standing outside Clapham Junction.

Try to order an Uber after midnight at the weekend… from a deserted East London street

It would make the perfect opening scene to a horror film: A lone person standing outside and some way down from a nightclub in East London, the road deserted of any residential dwellings. What’s more terrifying? The dark road at the late hour; the inability to have an Uber request accepted by a driver; or checking Bolt and realising they’re charging more than twice that of Uber?

It’s no urban legend. After waiting 30+ minutes on a deserted East London street, watching Uber drivers repeatedly accept and then reject a £23 booking, I experienced the horror of having to pay £50+ for a Bolt – it was that or walk through empty parts of East London to the nearest Night Bus stop to make the long journey back to Camden.

Look at how much you spent after a night out

No explanation needed. If you really want to give yourself the fear, do this whilst hungover.

Meet in what you think is a normal bar but it’s full of City workers and a pint costs £7.50

Your mate who works in a startup near the City (probably Shoreditch) asked you to meet for post-work drinks, you trusted them to pick a decent pub. You arrived, Not bad, you thought. It had Cruzcampo on draught – Not bad, you thought. Then you heard the cost of the round. And then you see them, dressed in gilets, filing in two-by-two. You watched the person behind the bar pour the drinks. You hear a public school accent enthusiastically explain the benefits of deregulation. You are trapped, for better or worse, this is your lot in life.

Riding Central, Victoria or Northern Line at peak commuting times

The London Underground occupies at least two of the nine circles of Hell – the first and the fifth, Limbo and Anger, respectively.

If you want to hear banshee screams whilst experiencing the suffocating heat of Hell look no further than Central, Vicky and Northern lines. The most terrifying experience of all is being stuck between stations in an overcrowded Tube carriage and listening to the driver tell you they’ll update you once they have more information.

Try to find a new flat/room in a flat with only two weeks left on your current lease

But why would you leave it until the eleventh hour? Because trying to look for a new room or flat in London with a move-in date more than two weeks out is futile. Like the protagonist in a horror film whose hair turns white after a traumatic paranormal experience, moving homes in London ages you overnight.

What other horrors await Londoners? Tune in next time for more tales from the Old Smoke...

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